


fever dream high

by chatsdelune (greymooses)



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Friends With Benefits, Getting Together, M/M, and then he's a bit of a happier panda, bc... wonho., changkyun is a very sad panda, it's only super angsty at the beginning i swear, m for language and sexual content, side kihyuk bc i have no self control, the other boys are around but not a focus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:48:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22531243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greymooses/pseuds/chatsdelune
Summary: everything is great, until the day it isn't.
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Lee Hoseok | Wonho
Kudos: 105





	fever dream high

**Author's Note:**

> 9/20/20: turning off comments on this and removing my bitchy end note. leaving this up for some insane reason.
> 
> this is set in the end of 2019/now, but i'm not presuming to know anything about hoseok's situation. this is not commentary on him coming back. this is a wonkyun fic based on some taylor songs that fit into the current canon, so i used it bc i didn't want to write a whole au.
> 
> [playlist](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SvM0dEUz_m0&list=PLdVoeVkB2KhKaoZtPZ2fRILf5ml0sEype&index=1), bc the music is important.

changkyun likes blue.

he likes blue skies on sunny winter days or the clear blue of oceans when they fly over them or jooheon's hair this comeback, but his favorite blues belong to hoseok: his walls and the veins under his skin and the sound of his voice when he brokenly whispers changkyun's name against his shoulder as he comes.

-

"you two are playing with fire."

changkyun touches his fingers to his lips, already regretful he insisted on returning to his own room, already missing hoseok's touch and warmth and calming energy more than he knows how to handle.

minhyuk isn't wrong.

having fun with a group member when schedules are packed and you both need the release is one thing — most of them have done it and minhyuk is one of the worst offenders — but there is a line that shouldn't be crossed, and he and hoseok have been toeing it for months.

"did you know the blue part of the flame is the hottest?"

"fascinating," minhyuk sighs.

changkyun strips and climbs into bed. a text comes through when he's setting his alarm.

_[hojjang hyung: i miss you. sleep well.]_

"i like him, hyung."

"that's what i'm talking about, kyunnie."

-

there are so many cliches and idioms meant to drive home the point that life is short and unpredictable, for good reason. everything _can_ change in the blink of an eye.

accusations are made by pitiful forces trying to take everything they've clawed their way through hell to earn. at the center of it, hoseok crumbles.

changkyun finds out when the decision is already made and hoseok is already gone. there's nothing he can do, but so much he has to do, because lines need to be redistributed and choreography needs to be altered and photoshoots need to be redone.

the schedule their manager gives them is relentless, but nowhere is there time to cry. they're lectured on remembering their media training because promotions are starting and told to stay offline. 

most of what's said in the meeting goes over changkyun's head.

he pulls his phone out and opens his texts.

_i miss you. sleep well._  
received

_what the fuck hoseok_  
_pick up the phone_  
sent

_fucking coward_  
sent

he cries silently in the car on the way home, minhyuk's hand holding his on the seat between them.

-

they’re resting in minhyuk’s bed after a pre-recording. changkyun has no idea what time it is or how long they have before they need to get up again, but it doesn’t really matter. sleep is a luxury when you’re in the middle of a comeback and impossible when your entire world has been shattered into a thousand pieces.

"do you want an update?" minhyuk asks quietly, interrupting their bubble of silence.

the whole fucking house is a bubble of silence, these days.

"i want him to text me back," changkyun replies simply. his voice is rough from recording and performing and all the crying. there was an ill-advised screaming session in jooheon’s studio that probably didn’t help, either.

minhyuk sighs.

changkyun would sigh, too, if he had the energy, but his batteries are beyond depleted. hoseok is a great charger, but hoseok isn’t there.

"he called kihyun. he’s with his mom. he’s okay."

"i’m happy for him," changkyun says in english, voice dripping with sarcasm.

"he asked about you."

"i have to know, did you acquire all of this knowledge during the blowjob or was it a quick side note when he was zipping up his pants?"

minhyuk ignores him and kisses his hair instead. "don't give up on him yet. you know better than any of us how he is."

his own worst critic; self-sacrificing; a beacon of understanding and warmth and love; ignoring changkyun for the fifth straight day. he wishes he could give up, if he’s honest. he’s tired of seeing everyone talk about how miserable he looks, like they have any clue how he feels or the true extent of what he’s lost.

"i thought i did."

-

the anger comes, eventually, once they’re done with promotions. he gets too drunk for too many nights in a row and tests the patience of every hyung except the one he wants to lash out at the most, because he can’t, because the fucking asshole ran away.

he collapses in the living room downstairs the first night, next to a piece of exercise equipment. he remembers hyungwon’s face, a pillow being put under his head, and a blanket tossed on top of him, but not much else.

hyunwoo carries him upstairs the second night and puts him in bed.

jooheon goes with him on night three and takes him back to his studio to pass out on the couch there because it’s closer to the bar.

kihyun and minhyuk are waiting for him on the fourth night, sitting in the kitchen with their knees to their chests, ipad and pizza on the counter between them, watching something with the volume low.

he stops inside the door and his face subconsciously contorts into one of disgust, because it’s so domestic and reminds him of eating late at night with hoseok and every bit of liquor he had tonight is threatening to revisit him. he scoffs and leans against the wall to fight with his shoes.

kihyun unfolds himself and watches him struggle for a minute before approaching.

"are you trying to ruin your career, too?" he snaps, clearly irritated but bending to help him anyway.

"you don’t know—"

kihyun cuts him off with a sardonic laugh. "i’m fucking minhyuk and i’m the only one hoseok has talked to. of course i know. it’s not an excuse."

"i’m careful," changkyun mutters defiantly.

"bullshit," kihyun spits, pulling at his laces. "you passed out next to the fucking elliptical. how long until it’s the back of a cab or the middle of the street?"

his shoes finally come off and he’s so done with this conversation. he wants to storm upstairs to his room, lock the door, and make his traitor of a roommate sleep with his fuckbuddy so they have to answer questions in the morning, but he stumbles to the side and ends up on the floor, which strikes him as a pretty hilarious development.

minhyuk jumps up from his chair and comes over, crouching to make sure he’s okay as his laughter dies down. kihyun makes angry noises and walks away.

"oh, changkyunnie," minhyuk sighs.

he sounds exhausted and sad and changkyun feels like such shit about it that he starts crying, because he hasn’t yet gone through a wide enough range of emotions for one night, apparently.

everything gets foggy for a bit, but changkyun ends up on the couch upstairs with his head in minhyuk's lap and his feet in kihyun's, cold pack pressed to one of his ankles. whatever they were watching downstairs is playing on the television now instead. he closes his eyes and focuses on the feeling of minhyuk's fingers in his hair, drifting off to sleep not long after.

-

he wakes up alone the next morning, pillow in place of minhyuk's lap, blanket tucked around him, and he decides to stop being an irresponsible asshole.

they have schedules to worry about and normalcy to return to and changkyun doesn't have the time to—

_[hojjang hyung: can we talk]_

the feeling that hits him is like the one you get on a rollercoaster — the ball of tension that settles in your chest and the pit of your stomach at the top of the first drop, just as you see exactly how steep the track is below you, and then you tip and accelerate and fall.

_[hojjang hyung: i'm sorry i haven't answered you. i should've started with that.]_

changkyun barges into his and minhyuk’s room, chooses to ignore that kihyun is fully clothed in his roommate’s bed, and crashes through the bathroom door, slamming it behind him with his foot as he collapses in front of the toilet.

he doesn’t know how long he’s there when there’s a gentle knock on the door, and kihyun’s voice, muffled through the wood, saying "please talk to him. min’s awake if you need help." another knock follows — kihyun’s way of letting him know he’s leaving — and then there’s silence.

more fucking silence.

it’s been weeks since he’s heard hoseok’s voice, except in old videos he made the mistake of watching one night right after he left.

_my studio. one hour._  
read

_k._  
received

-

the infuriating thing — one of many, but the most pressing, currently — about hoseok is that he's effortlessly attractive.

he shows up in a mask and hat with his hair dyed back to black and a nondescript tracksuit and changkyun is furious at him, but changkyun is also extremely turned on by his existence. he doesn't even register that hoseok has brought him coffee until it's on the floor, a casualty of changkyun forcefully dragging him inside by the front of his jacket and pushing him against the door.

he knocks hoseok's hat off with one hand, removes his mask with the other, and claims his stupid mouth before he can say anything, because he inevitably will and changkyun doesn't want to cry yet today, not unless it's because he's coming so hard he can't help it.

hoseok kisses him back for a minute, but when changkyun makes grabby hands at his jacket zipper, he seems to snap back into himself and puts his hands on changkyun’s shoulders, pushing him away and holding him at arm's length.

changkyun stares at him, but he doesn’t back down. "unbelievable," he mutters, folding his arms in front of his chest and turning away.

"i’m sorry."

changkyun scoffs. "for what? stopping just now?" he asks, turning to face hoseok again. "running away from us? or maybe ignoring me for weeks? not even letting me know you were _alive_?"

hoseok stares at his shoes for a moment before answering. "i didn't want to distract you during promotions," he offers.

"you can't be serious."

"i'm not saying it's a good reason, changkyun, but it's what i was thinking at the time."

changkyun feels his anger and frustration bubble under his skin. "you called kihyun hyung," he snipes, voice cold.

"that’s not fair and you know it," hoseok says carefully, taking a hesitant step towards him.

"unbelievable," changkyun repeats, shaking his head, anger reaching a boiling point. "absolutely unbelievable. everything revolves around you! it’s not that you didn’t want to distract me, you were afraid i’d tell you how _stupid_ you were being! you _left us_ , hoseok! how did that solve anything?"

"what should i have done, changkyun?" he asks sadly. "what would you have done? because it didn’t look like i had any choice. minhyuk and i apologized and it only got worse. i was trying to _protect_ you."

"protecting me," changkyun echoes bitterly, rolling his eyes. "right."

"what, you think i should’ve taken everyone down with me?"

"i think we all would have fought or gone down with you, you fucking ass."

"during a comeback?" hoseok asks, tilting his head. "you’re smarter than that, kkukkungie."

the thing is, changkyun _is_ smarter than that. changkyun _knows_. he knows, deep down, that hoseok did the right thing. he knows that the swift decision saved their comeback, and that makes him even angrier, because he _can’t_ be angry at hoseok, not really — not for leaving the group. he’s angry about hoseok not talking to him, but that’s his fault for catching feelings and making everything complicated.

hoseok steps towards him, exhaustion and concern evident now that changkyun is paying attention, and he feels the tears start to pool in his eyes.

"i could barely breathe, changkyun. i had to keep my head above water, but i always meant to…" hoseok trails off, poking his tongue between his teeth, eyes searching changkyun's for something.

changkyun crosses his arms again and looks to the ceiling, willing his tear ducts to stop betraying him, but he knows he's screwed.

"you know the worst part of all of this?" he asks, blinking away tears, as hoseok takes another careful step towards him. "your reasons are so _you_ that i can’t even be mad about it."

"but you're upset about something," hoseok observes, reaching a hand out to cradle changkyun's face, wiping at his cheek with a thumb.

"yeah, your reasons are so you that i can't even be mad about it. it's infuriating."

hoseok smiles at him. "i missed you, kkukkungie."

a sob breaks free from changkyun’s throat. he nuzzles his head into hoseok’s palm and uncrosses his arms, grabbing the ends of his sleeves with his fingers. hoseok steers him to the couch and sits, pulling him down onto his lap, enveloping him with sturdy thighs and thick arms and changkyun’s favorite scent.

changkyun rests his head against against hoseok’s shoulder and closes his eyes. "you could come back," he mumbles.

"maybe. i'm where i want to be right now," hoseok says, kissing the top of his head. 

"what about tomorrow?" changkyun asks.

it’s vague — _what about me? what are we if you’re not living in the dorm?_ — but hoseok seems to understand.

"dinner? you could come meet my kittens."

changkyun sighs. everyone wants him back, but it has to be his decision. if this is how changkyun can have him until then, in quiet moments where they sneak away to private locations, he's willing to take it.

-

changkyun has always been mostly a dog person, but seeing hoseok with his mom's kittens is almost enough to change his mind. they're so small and he's so gentle with them, which shouldn't be unexpected, but some part of changkyun's brain breaks a little, watching it.

he records a few videos and almost posts one of hoseok giggling at bomi chasing a toy in the fan cafe before he remembers he can't. he moves them to a new folder and closes his camera roll instead.

"you're pouting, kkukkungie."

he crawls across the floor and into hoseok's space. hoseok opens his arms and lets changkyun slide between his legs like a puzzle piece, back to his chest, locking his arms around changkyun's middle.

"i was going to post a video, but then i remembered that i can't. i hate that you're not at home with us, but i'm glad you have bomi and yeoreum and your mom."

hoseok hums behind him, pitched low, and runs his hands — excruciatingly slowly — down changkyun's stomach to the sides of his hips, then back across his thighs, stopping with his fingers hovering over his inseam, dangerously close to the bottom of his zipper.

"she won't be home for hours."

changkyun would like to resist, because he's really kind of comfortable, but he's also twenty-three, hasn't gotten laid in almost a month — despite hyungwon offering — and it's an established fact that hoseok is incredibly hot.

"we have practice all week."

hoseok scoots away from him and stands, holding a hand out to help him off the floor.

" _you_ have practice all week."

changkyun grabs his hand, lets himself be pulled up, and follows hoseok to his bedroom.

-

it doesn't take long for minhyuk to bring it up. changkyun isn't sure how he knows, but that's the case with a lot of secrets minhyuk spills late at night when they're trying to fall asleep.

"you're playing with fire again."

"i've come home to kihyun hyung in your bed twice this week," changkyun shoots back. "just _sleeping_."

"kihyun isn't currently a persona non grata in the industry who requires traveling outside to meet up with."

changkyun rolls his eyes at the ceiling. "still in the denial stage, i see."

"this is about you potentially getting hurt or caught, not me and kihyun."

changkyun doesn't see the problem. they've been careful. hoseok is still mostly in hiding when he's not meeting with lawyers. it's not like they're meeting up in broad daylight or posting pictures taken in the same place or making heart eyes at each other during live broadcasts. as far as getting hurt goes, changkyun is happier than he has been since the entire mess started. maybe he should admit he has feelings, but they've only seen each other a few times so far and sex is infinitely more enjoyable than discussing emotional availability.

"we're not going to get caught, and he's not going to hurt me. are you ever going to tell kihyun hyung you're in love with him?"

"i'm not in love with him," minhyuk replies.

it sounds defiant and he’s probably pouting, changkyun thinks.

"when's the last time you hooked up with anyone else?"

"irrelevant. what if he can't come back, changkyunnie? what if he doesn't want to?"

what if, indeed. hyungwon and kihyun have stepped up and made more of an effort with fans, filling some of the very large hole hoseok left, but he’s not sure how long they can keep it up.

"i don’t know," changkyun sighs. "i don’t think he knows. i’m sure when he does, he’ll tell us all."

"playing with fire," minhyuk repeats ominously.

he’s right, of course. if changkyun was dancing with flames before the comeback, he’s standing in the middle of an inferno now. messing around was effortless when they were in the same house, but continuing to do it now that they aren’t probably counts as some kind of step forward. even if hoseok wants to come back, it’s not going to be easy for him, and the pressure of whatever they’re doing on top of it could be disastrous.

"hyung?"

"changkyunnie."

"please don’t tell anyone. at least for a couple of weeks."

there’s a long silence and some shuffling of blankets from the bed on the other side of the room before minhyuk answers.

"kihyun might be able to tell something is up, but i’ll try my best."

changkyun makes a gagging noise and minhyuk sighs loudly.

"good night, changkyunnie."

-

he sees hoseok once more before mama, but their night is cut short when his mom comes home early. she doesn't seem surprised to see changkyun, but it does rule out any sex. they have no time between mama and the group going to america, which means changkyun leaves for two weeks of travel and shows with a massive case of blue balls and no idea when he might see hoseok again.

because nothing is easy for them at this point, jooheon has health issues and stays behind for a few days. the schedule is grueling for such a short set at each show. it's always nice to see fans, and objectively wonderful that they were invited back for a second year, but changkyun can't help but be a little pissed that they're incomplete.

in minneapolis, he raises his knuckles to knock on minhyuk's hotel room door, intending to see if he wants to get dinner, but ends up eating by himself after hearing sounds he never, ever needed to hear. he wants to call hoseok, but it's so early in korea he opts for texting him instead.

_i just heard kihyun hyung and minhyuk hyung having sex and my virginal ears are traumatized_  
_oh my god you shared a wall with kihyun hyung i'm so sorry_  
_this time difference sucks_  
sent

jooheon joins them in philadelphia to finish off the shows, and changkyun finally wakes up early enough to maybe call hoseok before he goes to bed. he sends a text message to check and smiles when he gets a video call less than a minute later.

changkyun accepts, and his phone screen fills with a dark image of hoseok's face, in bed, lit only by his phone's backlight. a sense of calm and contentment washes over him almost immediately.

"hey, stranger. i didn't wake you up, did i?"

"nope. i was just thinking about you, actually," hoseok admits cryptically. "you're awake early."

"i'm being haunted by hearing kihyun hyung moaning unironically."

hoseok laughs. "i'm sorry, kkukkungie. you'll forget about it eventually, i promise."

changkyun gets a cat update, and an update on hoseok's legal situation, and spends a fair amount of time complaining about how run down he feels and how he can't wait for the month to be over. hoseok props his phone next to his pillow and raises one arm behind his head while he listens, very blatantly displaying the proof that his exercise routine hasn't changed despite his departure from the public eye.

it's distracting, to say the least, and definitely not helping changkyun's morning erection situation.

he clears his throat. "i should let you go to sleep."

"or you could touch yourself for me instead of running off to do it in the shower like usual," hoseok practically purrs.

changkyun feels his face heat up, but then he has an epiphany and hoseok's position makes sense.

"oh my god, are you—"

"palming myself through my shorts while listening to your voice? yeah, sorry."

"oh my god," changkyun groans.

hoseok stops what he's doing, turns his head to face his screen, and bites his lip.

"you don't have to, i'm—"

"no!" changkyun tries. his head is suddenly very empty, unable to process information beyond his former group member and current friend-with-excellent-benefits touching himself listening to him talk. "yes, i mean. oh my god why did you stop?"

hoseok just hums, then disappears from the frame. a light turns on somewhere in the room, and there's a rustling of fabric that makes changkyun's cock twitch. a few seconds later, hoseok climbs back on the bed, but not before very intentionally giving changkyun a full view of his erection pressing against his very toned stomach.

"shit," changkyun groans, jaw clenched.

"you're so cute when you're flustered."

"shut up," he whines, propping his phone on the nightstand. he lets his hand wander across his chest, sucking in a breath and throwing his head back when he pinches a nipple. hoseok hums again, approvingly this time, and changkyun's hips buck up away from the sheets at the sound, like he's one of pavlov's fucking dogs, which normally would be infuriating but he's too sleepy and content and horny to care. he throws the covers off of his legs and checks his phone's angle on the screen, then stares directly into the camera as he wraps his hand around himself.

he closes his eyes and lets out a whimper, unsure if it's for show or because his hand isn't hoseok's mouth.

"you look so good, kkukkungie," hoseok says, voice low and appreciative.

changkyun slides a loose fist over himself slowly, looking over to the phone to see hoseok leaned back doing the same, eyes trained on the image of changkyun on his own screen. it's too much, and changkyun always comes fast in the morning even without the extra stimulation, so he turns away and focuses on himself instead.

he knows hoseok is still watching attentively because he continues to murmur praise, interspersed with wishes that he could be the one touching changkyun and soft grunts as he gets closer to the edge.

changkyun feels a familiar pull deep in his gut and turns his head back to the screen.

"close," he says, voice ragged between pants.

"come for me, baby."

before changkyun can look away, hoseok pulls his bottom lip into his mouth and changkyun's brain decides _i love him_ , which would be alarming on its own but the revelation hitting him at the same time as his orgasm seems downright cruel.

he pushes the thought aside and strokes himself through it, turning his attention back to hoseok as he comes down. he topples over the edge a few seconds later, moaning into his fist, and it's so hot that changkyun has to stop touching himself or risk getting hard again.

for a minute afterwards, the only sounds are soft sighs and breathing returning to normal. changkyun stares at the ceiling, cum cooling uncomfortably on his stomach, and wonders about the love thing. he needs a shower but he doesn't want to leave first.

"hey, who are your neighbors?"

"ki—" changkyun starts, but hoseok interrupts him with a laugh. "oh _no_ ," he groans.

"if you're lucky, he was already awake and went to get breakfast. if you're not, you just got back at him for your nightmares."

changkyun grabs his phone and holds it in front of his face, pouting. "i'm not _that_ loud."

"not usually, but apparently you are with me," hoseok teases.

changkyun shakes his head. _i love him_ , his brain reminds him. it would be so easy to say it, but he knows he shouldn't.

"go shower, kkukkungie. get some breakfast before rehearsal. we can't have you undoing all of my hard work as your trainer."

changkyun rolls his eyes but smiles, promising to send a picture of his breakfast. they linger for a few more moments, saying redundant goodbyes. in changkyun's case, they're a poor substitute for what he really wants to say, but he's not sure what hoseok's excuse is.

-

the next week passes in a blur of airports and time zones and naps taken high above the clouds. changkyun works out some potential lyrics for the next album, but they’re all so deliriously sappy that they might not get the green light from management. he saves them anyway, because he saves everything, and maybe they’ll come in handy for his next solo release. they finish out their jingle ball shows and have a brief stop at home before they head to japan.

he gets dinner with hoseok before they leave, at a hole-in-the-wall ramen place where hoseok knows the owner. she closes the entire restaurant, gives them a private room in the back away from the windows, and loads their table with more food than changkyun knows what to do with.

in between bites, hoseok tells him his lawyers are making quicker progress than expected. he sounds optimistic but nervous, and changkyun wonders if he wants to come back after all, and how much of it has to do with whatever it is they’re doing.

as an unspoken rule, changkyun doesn’t like to bring up work or how empty the dorm feels or how much the fans miss him. hoseok talks about his legal cases because it’s a huge part of his life right now, but doesn’t really tell changkyun what he’s thinking or planning in terms of his career. it drives him crazy not to know, but it’s probably out of respect for the rest of the guys — if he wants to come back, he should really tell everyone together — which is admirable enough, and keeping their relationship — or whatever this is — separate from work is probably the only way it has a chance.

something that started from convenience is certainly not convenient for either of them anymore, and hoseok could be with anyone at this point, but he’s still _here_. it makes changkyun feel hopeful that maybe hoseok takes it as seriously as he does.

they have some time after they finish eating, but not enough to go anywhere else. hoseok gets up and disappears from the room for a minute, then comes back and sits against the wall next to changkyun. he spreads his legs to create space, opens his arms, and stares.

changkyun raises an eyebrow at him. "i need to leave soon."

"i know. i talked to the owner. we can stay until you do, and then i’m going to help her clean up, so come cuddle with me." hoseok wiggles his fingers to help emphasize his request.

changkyun crawls over on his hands and knees, moving in between hoseok’s legs with his hands on the floor on either side of his hips. he headbutts hoseok’s shoulder, eliciting the exact breathy giggle he was hoping for, before kissing him.

hoseok cradles his face with his hands and plays along for a few seconds, but when changkyun instinctively tries to part his lips, hoseok pushes him away.

changkyun pouts. he’s so fucking ready for this month to be over.

hoseok sighs, leaves one more peck on his mouth, then moves his hands to changkyun’s shoulders and gently guides him to turn around and lean back against him.

changkyun pokes his fingertips into hoseok’s thigh. "i miss you."

"i’m right here?"

"you know what i mean."

"we knew december was going to be rough, kkukkungie. it always is."

"yeah, but…"

_but it’s worse because we don’t live together anymore._

_but it’s worse because i don’t get to stare at your ass during practice._

_but it’s worse because i’m in love with you and have no idea what this is or if you even want to come home._

"i’m right here," hoseok repeats, tightening his arms around changkyun’s middle, "until you need to leave. did i tell you yeoreum figured out how to open cabinets?"

changkyun tips his head back, mouth agape, and hoseok starts telling him the cat stories he missed out on the past couple of weeks. he glances at hoseok's watch where it rests against his stomach, then closes his eyes and just listens.

-

"kihyun asked where you were earlier," minhyuk tells him when they're settled into their seats on the plane that night. "he was cagey about it, though. i don't trust him."

changkyun snorts. "he's just as trustworthy as you, hyung."

"yeah, that's the problem."

changkyun shrugs. "what did you tell him?"

"i started gushing about nishinoya and he decided shutting me up was more important than getting an answer."

"gross, but thanks."

minhyuk winks at him, then goes back to scrolling through his phone.

it makes changkyun wonder, though, if kihyun knows anything. hoseok called him before. would he do it again? would he do it without telling changkyun? does kihyun know they're still hooking up? does he know something about hoseok's case that changkyun doesn't?

hell, maybe kihyun was just fucking with minhyuk as part of whatever game they're playing, but changkyun can’t quite shake the feeling that something is going to happen and it follows him, sitting at the base of his neck, all the way to japan.

-

there are so many cliches and idioms meant to drive home the point that life is short and unpredictable, for good reason. everything _can_ change in the blink of an eye.

before the first show, they're gathered together around a phone by their manager. company staff tell them they've been in contact with hoseok's legal team, and they're prepared to allow him to come back, pending a number of loose ends that are being tied up.

changkyun is stunned. minhyuk sneaks glances at him throughout the call that he tries to ignore, because otherwise he might burst open from sheer excitement.

they promise a better briefing on details in the coming days, but want to make sure everyone is okay with it. they go around the table readily agreeing, and the staff member wishes them luck that evening before hanging up.

there's a split second of silence as they all look at each other, then pandemonium. minhyuk reaches his arm around changkyun's shoulder and pulls him sideways into an uncomfortable hug. kihyun elbows hyunwoo and grins. minhyuk drags jooheon into his hug with changkyun, and jooheon drags hyungwon along, leading to an excited puppy pile on the couch in their dressing room.

a loud whistle makes them all stop. changkyun looks up and sees hyunwoo holding his phone out with an expectant look on his face.

"hey," a voice crackles from the speaker — hoseok's voice — and the noise erupts again, everyone scrambling to talk at once.

changkyun locks eyes with minhyuk and smiles.

finally, _finally_ , the rest of the year seems possible to overcome.

-

changkyun is a fidgety, obnoxious mess on the way home from the airport. minhyuk snaps after too many minutes of him drumming his fingers against the car door and threatens to sit on him, so he turns his music up and tries to breathe.

_where are you_  
received

_five minutes away_  
_are you there?_  
read

_yeah_  
received

_:)_  
read

minhyuk taps him on the leg to get his attention.

"seriously, are you okay?" he asks.

changkyun nods truthfully. he and minhyuk talked a bit after the first show, bubbling over with excitement and hope and high on stage endorphins. hoseok moved back into the dorm and wheels would keep turning behind the scenes to try to get him back into the spotlight with them when the time was right. there are still so many questions about their future as a group, but overall he’s thrilled.

"kihyun and i bet on how long it’ll be before you spend a night in his room. i don’t think he realizes you guys were still hooking up, by the way. i’m not sure how."

"too busy watching you to pay attention to me," changkyun says flippantly, choosing to ignore everything else minhyuk said because they’re too close to the dorm for him be upset.

minhyuk scoffs in protest and turns to watch the traffic out the window.

when they get home, changkyun bolts inside while minhyuk is still gathering their things and waiting for the other cars.

patience is not a virtue of his today.

hoseok is waiting on a stool in the kitchen. his face lights up when he sees changkyun, flooding the entire room with warmth.

"where is everyone?" he asks.

"minhyuk hyung is getting our stuff. the other cars aren't here yet," changkyun replies, making a beeline to the kitchen and standing in front of hoseok's stool.

hoseok looks up at him, smiling wide, and changkyun wonders if minhyuk was stupid enough to bet he'd make it more than a single night in his own bed.

changkyun throws his arms around hoseok's shoulders and hugs him.

"i'm really happy you're home," he mumbles.

"me, too," hoseok says happily, returning the hug as best he can from a seated position.

_i love him_ , changkyun's brain whispers again, and the need to tell him is stronger this time, like a rip current in the ocean trying to pull him under the surface.

he's saved, in some form, by the door swinging open and minhyuk's loud mouth excitedly shrieking hoseok's name.

they spring apart and changkyun turns towards the door. hoseok's hand settles on his waist possessively and he feels his face start to warm up.

"i'm going to lose my bet, aren't i?" minhyuk asks.

"probably," changkyun replies, and minhyuk winks at him.

"what bet?" hoseok's expression is one of absolute confusion and it's adorable. 

before changkyun can explain, the door opens again and it gets very loud very fast as everyone piles into the kitchen. changkyun tries to move out of the way, but hoseok catches his wrist with a pleading look, so he steps behind him and drapes himself over his back instead.

no one seems to notice or care, which changkyun supposes makes sense; he was clingy with hoseok before, so why wouldn't he be now?

eventually, hoseok clears his throat and stands. changkyun stays where he is, and hoseok makes no effort to shake him loose.

"i need to talk to changkyunnie," he announces, then starts shuffling to his room with changkyun hanging from his shoulders.

minhyuk raises his eyebrows at them when they pass and changkyun sticks his tongue out.

in his room, hoseok cages changkyun against the closed door and kisses him slowly, like he's afraid changkyun's lips might break.

it's overwhelming and changkyun clings to him as tightly as he can, twisting his fingers into the fabric between his shoulders, whimpering quietly when he pulls away to pepper kisses along changkyun's jaw and neck.

"i was a little worried you might not want to do this anymore," changkyun admits.

hoseok runs his tongue over what changkyun suspects is his favorite mole on his neck, if someone can have one of those, before pulling back and looking at him like he's just said he thinks the earth is flat.

"why would i not want to do this anymore?" he asks.

"i don't know, things change, we didn't have a chance to talk about you moving back."

hoseok sticks a finger in his belt loop and drags him to sit on the bed.

"i'm here because of you," he says, holding changkyun's hands in his lap. "you said i could come back, weeks ago in your studio. i hadn't thought about trying, at that point."

"you were going to leave it all behind, just like that?" changkyun balks. "i should’ve yelled at you more than i did."

"yeah, you should’ve," hoseok agrees, smirking. "but you didn’t, because you were the only one who realized how much i was hurting, too. you were the one constant, changkyunnie. you never questioned whether any of it was true or false, you didn’t try to make me talk about it, and you made time to see me even when it was hard. you came and met my cats, and i know you’re a dog person, so no, i don’t want to stop doing this, you massive idiot."

changkyun swallows around the lump in his throat, staring at his hands in hoseok’s lap. he never thought of what he was doing as particularly supportive, but hearing hoseok spell it out, he’s sorry he wasn’t more deliberate about showing how much he cares.

"i missed you all the time," he confesses. "i was a miserable asshole for the week after promotions finished, before you texted me."

"yeah, kihyun told me."

"of course he did," changkyun says, rolling his eyes. "but i just wanted you. i didn’t care how."

"exactly my point," hoseok replies. he leans forward and gives changkyun a quick kiss. "a significant part of our lives revolves around fulfilling someone else’s expectations, but you just wanted me, even in the middle of a really terrible time for us both. you shouldn’t worry about me wanting to give that up."

changkyun bites his lip, trying to hold back the emotion welling up inside of him, and nods wordlessly.

hoseok moves to hold his face in his palms, leaning in again to press their lips together. changkyun inhales sharply through his nose and leans back slowly, prompting hoseok to drop his hands from his face and follow just to keep kissing him. he slides a leg between changkyun’s knees and hovers, easily holding himself up on his hands, until changkyun is on his back, then settles half on top of him.

changkyun works his fingers under the hem of hoseok’s shirt and up his back, tracing muscles with his fingertips as they shift beneath his hands. hoseok breaks away from his lips to move back to his neck, and it’s officially too much.

"i’m in love with you, you know," changkyun admits.

hoseok, with all of his infuriating understanding and warmth and love, hums against his throat — a pleased sound that finally makes changkyun tear up. he sniffles and hoseok raises his head to look at him, smiling softly.

"i’ve loved you for years, kkukkungie, but i’m glad you’ve caught up."

-

the rest of december passes quickly.

in between their performances as six, hoseok continues to meet with his legal team and company staff. they have a few meetings as a group to go over strategy for getting him back on board, but everything is very much up in the air until lawyers do their thing.

hoseok is nervous, his confidence shaken, and without practice to drain his energy, he turns to cooking. the group meals are reminiscent of earlier days, gathered around takeout containers on the practice room floor, or the floor of their old, tiny dorm where they were packed together like sardines. changkyun loves it. it feels healing in a way they desperately need, not just as colleagues but as friends.

the morning after they got back from japan, hyunwoo saw him leaving hoseok's room. he said good morning, asked if changkyun wanted some breakfast, and referred to him as "hoseokkie's boyfriend" in all conversations with the other guys for the rest of the day. no one expressed any surprise, and changkyun has spent most nights with him ever since, unless minhyuk is feeling particularly clingy and kihyun isn't feeling particularly accommodating.

he and hoseok decide, in early january, that the two of them are absolutely stupid. hoseok rationalizes that they truly don't realize they have feelings for each other because they compartmentalize too well and charges changkyun with talking to minhyuk, promising to deal with kihyun on his own.

neither one of them fully admit to their feelings, so they lock them in minhyuk's bedroom and wait. they both protest loudly, and with some words changkyun has rarely heard in his daily life, for about five minutes before everything goes quiet. they wait for another twenty before cracking the door open to find kihyun asleep on minhyuk’s chest. minhyuk glares and flips them off, but he also nods, and hoseok and changkyun give each other a silent high five in the doorway — for minhyuk’s benefit — before leaving.

by the time fancon rolls around, things are definitely different than changkyun thought they’d be back in october. jooheon takes a break to deal with his health, and hoseok still can’t be on stage, so they’re down to five for an unknown period of time. the fans are still there, though, and he’s head over heels in love with his best friend, and kihyun and minhyuk quickly turned into the most casually affectionate couple the dorm has ever seen.

everything is a mess, but a comfortable mess. it’s weird to think of it like that, but changkyun is trying to focus on the present instead of worrying too much about the future for once. they've seen rock bottom; there's absolutely nowhere to go but up.

**Author's Note:**

> changkyun deserves all the love in the world. [call it what you want](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V54CEElTF_U) is very, very them and it's very, very upsetting.


End file.
